tragic

its tragic that i still think about him.

i don't know why but i do. and i don't want to think about him, but every now and then i catch myself doing it.

:(

the comfort of family

when you're with your family, you never have the feeling that you're on the outside...that you never really fit it. and that feels good.

not to say i always feel like this when i'm out, but i went out to an engagement party tonight and it was for someone who i'm not that good friends with, but i went to show face. i knew A LOT of people there, but none of them were my friends. so dancing and eating was always me trying to squeeze into their table, or me trying to squeeze into their circle while dancing. i mean it wasn't that obviously akward, but that's just how i feel.

it wasn't a good night. everyone there was a) hooked up b) really good friends

i felt kinda sad :(

why do i do this to myself?

why do i do it? why? because its fun to think about stupid shit when i should be focusing on my exams? blah. i'm dumb. AND i'm donnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!

buh bye...forever

what the fuck am i doing?

today has been such an uninvited random day. so the lady from RIM emails me back and tells me to start applying to positions asap. so thats a good thing.

there's this chick who for the past 2 years has been telling me to hook up with a friend of hers, and i find out today that she's been having a fling with him for 3 years. why would you tell me to hook up with your fling? i totally just blocked and deleted her, from msn and my phone. him too actually. i can't be bothered with that kind of shit. i just think thats so wrong, i would never suggest for someone to hook up with an old fling of mine. and on top of that, i told her bad stuff about him...think that they were at the very most just friends. so i feel betrayed, but she's not that close of a friend...so she's been deleted.

and.

...........

um..........

so i emailed RM today. just to say hi.

i don't know why i did it. but i've been thinking about him lately. and i did it just to say hello, and see how he's doing. i don't expect anything out of this (at least that's what i'm telling myself). but there's no harm in me just emailing to say hi. i'm not going to put anything on him, no pressure to keep in touch after this point...or to meet up. just want to see where this could go. it could lead me back to where we were before, which was not talking at all...or we could become friends, or we could become more then friends. i have no idea. i have no expectations, and i honestly don't even want to hook up with him. i don't, i mean he was the only brown guy i had met in a long time that i considered to be "potential" and i think that's what drove me to do it. i don't expect us to get together, i don't. but i guess a part of me just wants to test the waters to see what kind of a response i'd get back. i'm definately not one to pine over guys...so if i get no response then i'm fine with that. i know 100% that there was no potential.

i have an exam in 10hours.

:\

hence the title of me blog (i love noel gallagher)

random

two random thoughts.

one.
i really want to work at RIM. Really really really bad. I've done everything I could to get my foot in the door, and now its just up to what's suppose to happen in my life. But one things for sure, nothing ever comes easy. Almost everything "good" in my life has come with a struggle.

two.
the weirdest dream ever! just as a background...there's this guy who goes to mac who i think is cute. we've never seen eachother in person, but i've seen him on hi5 and we've swapped a couple of messages through hi5 too. but thats been the extent of our conversation. so anyways, in my dream i want to meet him really badly. and there was a death of somebody who goes to mac, and their funeral was being held there. so i get there early, and in my dream i was thinking how lame it was because i didn't even know the guy and i was one of the first people there. then i somehow realized that it was hi5 dude's friends wedding. and in my head i was like, oh...well at least i finally get to meet him! there were busloads of people who were coming in for the funeral. two busloads of really cute sikhi kids. then i ended up on a bus and IC and vishali where there. so weird! so we went to the funeral, and by the end of it, it was hallowe'en. in my dream hi5 dude was balding, and i was confused because he didn't seem to be what i had pictured. but then he went to quarters as a pimp, and he looked a whole lot better. so random. and it gets stranger. after the funeral people came over to our old house to do "obsose". so SS and KD came over with like 3 other uncles. Bubs ended up coming over and she said to KD and SS that i think you guys are really cute. KD runs into the bathroom and doesn't come out, and then i go and sit on SS's lap and continue talking to the uncles. After a while i end up sitting down next to SS. but by then my whole family had come home and they needed a ride somewhere. so bubs had this huge yellow car and drove them off. the end!

how weird eh?

Needy.

For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling it. I’m feeling that I want someone there, someone around who I can rely on, who’ll be there for me. And I know I have many amazing women in my life who could fulfill that for me, but it feels like they’re not enough.

Its been ages since I’ve felt like this, I’ve been very content in the way things were going in my life. And I still am happy with how things are. I’m finishing up school, I have amazing friends, a good job is in the works. I don’t really have much that I can rightly complain about. But not having a man is something I can and I will bitch about.

I was fine for so long, I have no idea what triggered this. My parents have been on my case about hooking up for ages now. So I know its not that, I mean maybe it has slowly been wearing me out…but I can laugh that off. RP has someone, she’s like one of my best friends. But it doesn’t phase me all that much either. Because things between us haven’t changed. We’re still the same, we still talk to eachother every single day. Its not like she’s spending all her time with her b/f and absolutely no time with me. The day I think I started realizing it was on my birthday night out. I had an amazing time at dinner. RM and SS ended up coming last minute even though they weren’t suppose to come out. I mean, I do appreciate the fact that those 2 guys made the effort to show face but for some reason I felt like it’d be better if they just didn’t show up. I didn’t want to be a pity case that they felt like they had to go completely out of their way just to show face. I don’t know, that was definitely the first indicator that something was emotionally up with me. And then at the club, there were so many cuties. I was way to intoxicated to actually really look at any of them…but from the glances I could tell! Nobody approached me, which looking back is reasonable because of the state I was in. But for some reason I felt really pissed off by the end of the night and I took off early. When back to B’s and complained about men. And B bitched me out too, saying that I don’t give any guys a chance. Which I guess is true, but I feel like I have something in my mind, what I expect out of somebody else…and for the most part those basics are not even met!!

I’ve vowed to be more “proactive” about the whole dating thing. I’m going to go out for the sole purpose of meeting men. I will go out to everything that I am invited to and be social and actually dress up. Now at this point I’m willing to make an effort to meet new people.

OH and randomly I met BOB again! Hahaha! He’s still so adorable! And he’s still gotta girlfriend. But he’s such a nice guy, we went out for dinner after our volleyball game (which I started playing again, thankfully) and dinner was just so pleasant. Great conversation. I think he made me feel like I needed someone too. Just because I think he’s such a sweetheart and I want that in a guy.

December 18^th, and then watch out Toronto! I’m gonna be on the search!