changes

i have this friend who i've known since grade 3. in the past we've had our differences, but we became really close once we were about 17 years old...and remained really good friends since then. she's someone who goes through the exact same things as i do when it comes to family frustrations, career frustrations & boy frustrations...so she's always been someone who i can relate to. but...she's changing, and not for the better.

she's messing with peoples lives behind their backs and then pretends to be their friends. she wants me to go out with her tonight for a work friends birthday. i was very surprised she was even going. the reason? because she has slept with her friends husband and is now falling in love with him. she intends on "showing" him that life is better without her around. she convinces herself that their marriage is a mess (which is obviously is, since both parties have cheated on eachother) but that even though they had made a commitment to make things work, she will intentionally get involved so everything works out for her benefit. i've never been one to judge, i don't care what you do in your personal life...as long as my relationship with that person is healthy, i don't care about the rest. but this is getting too out of hand. this whole thing has been going on for about 3 months and in the beginning i would always tell her to be careful, because she works with this guys wife! but now i feel like there's no point. she invited me out to his wifes birthday event tonight, and i asked her why she was going. and her response was she was going because his wife is her friend.

thats what got me.

i don't know if i should just wait this phase out or try to snap her out of it. i don't know if there's a point to even trying now because i have been, and she'll listen and agree with me when we talk...but then she goes out and does the opposite.

i just don't get it. maybe because i've never been in her situation i can't fully understand what she's doing and why she's doing it. but i just feel she's in dangerous waters and she's gonna get burned, and that's the only way she'll learn.

it just sucks to see one of your good friends change so dramatically.

Being #2 means

you will be discredited of anything you do
you will never be appreciated
you will only be seen in a negative way
nothing good will ever come out of what you do no matter what your intentions
you will always be misunderstood

call me

my life seems to be a one huge wait. job #2 told me that i'd have to wait about 2 weeks. so no big surprise there. now about job #1, i called him on thursday to find out my status, he wasn't there, i left a msg and he didn't return my call. so i called again on friday morning and got his voicemail again. he calls me back 10mins later and this is exactly what he said to me:
"hi burntroti, i don't have good news for you"...
"but i don't have bad news for you either, i have yet to make my decision. i have parts moving so i'll need another week before i can make my final decision."

so...fine. another week. at least he didn't say no from the get go, because if he really didn't like me or didn't think i was qualified then he would of told me no on friday. but him saying he has parts moving? wtf does that mean??? *sighs*

so again, i shall wait.

blah.

on a side note, i got my iron rinnnggggg! the ceremony was long and boring, but i guess worth it. i went out on friday night, not with engineering folk but with other friends. i got trashed beyond beleif. spent all of saturday recovering, i felt like crap yesterday. but i'm better today, feeling back to normal. i don't see myself going out and partying that hard for a lonngg time. i just can't do it anymore! so even though i wasn't able to celebrate being employed, i was able to celebrate getting my ring!

new look

i'm still kinda playing around with it, but i've always wanted to incorporate hokusai's the great wave into my blog. its one of my favorite paintings, so that's done! i'm still tweaking...i have too much time on my hands :\

i'm so nervous about finding out the status of job #1. i just called job #2 to thank them for the interview (blah blah blah) and he said i should find out within 2 weeks and he told me i'm on his shortlist. which i suppose is a good thing. but the thing with being told stuff like that is it builds up a persons hope and then that could come crashing down. that's the thing with job #1, after my initial phone interview he threw a couple of compliments at me about the way i interviewed and i was pretty happy after that, i mean its usually a good sign when your interviewer gives you a compliment. but then at the face to face interview, he insinuated to me having the job and he gave me more compliments. call me jaded, but i didn't buy it. it seemed shady to me. i'm thinking, what if this dude from job #1 is just that type of guy. who talks a lot of shit but never backs it up. thats why i haven't been too excited about it, just because he said that stuff doesn't mean i believe it. i'll find out after lunch what the final verdict is.

another thing i wanted to blog about last night was celebrities. well i know i just did a post about my past celebrity crushes, but i've never ever met a celebrity who i admired. my sister went to see mika last night in toronto, right now she's infatuated with his music...and she actually met him!! i've never met anyone who's art or talent i was in love with, and to tell you the truth...i don't think its quite fair. if there was one person i could meet, it would DEFINATELY be noel gallagher. i got to see him once at a radio station, they were doing this intimate show with just him, and this guy who had a thing for me won tickets through the radio so he took me! hahaa! that was a pretty lucky break actually. but i never got to actually meet him and tell him that i think he's an amazing songwriter and a very talented musician. i guess it's not that big of a deal, but it would be nice :)

anyhoozers...i must go find something to keep my mind busy...i will be back with updates.

visual dna

stole the idea from enyurs blog! thought it was kinda cool...link to my "profile" here. it's strange how online quizes can be somewhat accurate.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

material girl

so i had another 2nd interview with another company today. i have a gut feeling that this one will work out while the other one won't. which is fine. they're both located downtown & they're both at huge telecom companies. i still kinda want job #1 more, the job itself sounds more interesting. but job #2 is ok too, at this point i'm not going to be too picky. i hope i just get one job offer though. i would hate to have to choose between the two, what if i pick job #1 and then hate it? then i'll always regret not picking job #2. at least if i get job #1 and not job #2, even if i hate it...i would of had no other choice. either way i will find out end of this week whether or not i will be an employed person.

so knowing that i have potential income, i've already allowed my mind to ponder about what i would do with my income (i can't help it!). there isn't too much that i want, i mean i could always go for a new pair of shoes or a new handbag...but i have tonnes of that stuff already. and i have a pretty solid wardrobe, don't need much upgrading. but the 2 things i do want are kinda far fetched...having said that i have to admit that i've always been a bit materialistic. i don't own a lot of designer items and if i do they're not over-branded, my stuff is a bit more discrete.

so my first "want" is a designer watch, something i can wear to work every single day. i saw some nice versace watches & dkny has some nice stuff too. that's not too absurd, i'd wear that watch every single day.

my second "want" is a bit more crazy. i want a set of designer luggage :$ not to say i want the LV set or anything like that, but i did see some nice pierre cardin stuff which is pretty reasonabley priced. i don't think this would be first purchase after getting a job, but eventually i'd like to own a set. i don't know why i want it, but i do. like i said i'm a little bit materialistic.

celebrity crushes

just thought it'd be cute to document. there absolutely no common thread between any of these people. although i seem to be into john's. i can proudly say that i was never a new kids on the block groupie, but lance bass!?! :S i still have a crush on noel gallagher any time i see him on tv. i found john mayer less attractive when i saw he was dating jessica simpson, and i found abhishek less attractive when i found out he was engaged to aishwarya rai.

tony danza (from the who's the boss days)




john stamos (from full house days)



brain austin green




gary barlow




noel gallagher




john travolta (only after watching grease)




al pacino



prince william




lance bass



prince harry



akshaye khanna



john mayer



abhishek bachchan




john krasinski

mission pants

right before my sisters wedding i made a point to not overindulge in all the fried carbs or sweet treats that were always around, and i did pretty good! i didn't gain a single pound, i actually lost a bit of weight due to stress and not having time to eat. but after the wedding is a totally different story. i'm a food lover. i'm not very picky when it comes to food, so its very easy for me to gain weight. and when it comes to indulging, some people have a sweet tooth, so their indulgence is chocolate. or some people like salty treats...but me...i like everything! i could very easily have a bag of salt and vinegar chips and then have some chocolate right after. so needless to say, after the wedding i gained about 10lbs.

one of my outfits that i wore during a ceremony was this super fitted, no stretch suit. i knew when i wore it during the wedding that if i gained 2lbs, it wouldn't fit me because there was absolutely no give in the material. i tried that suit on again around new years and i was completely sucked into it. since then i've been trying to work out on a regular and keeping a conscious eye on what i eat, and soooo...i tried the suit on today anddd the suit fits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whoot whoot!! i felt so much pride when i slipped it on and my boobs weren't squished in! lol

but my endeavor to get into shape is far from over. i have these pants that fit me a few years ago, and they haven't fit me since then. anytime i gain weight, i always have a pair of pants that i make my mission to fit into, they are my new mission pants!

but i'm still pretty pleased with my progress thus far...baby steps :)

uneventful

the next 2 weeks are going to be so ordinary for me. i had a 2nd interview for this amazing position at an amazing company located in the heart of downtown toronto...i couldn't ask for much more from a job. he said he'd get back to me end of next week. so now i'm playing the waiting game with my career. and i have nothing else going on with me. i'll finally get my iron ring next week, but again that's nexttt week. this next two weeks are going to be tedious!

i don't deserve this, and you don't deserve me

its been almost a month since you've been done. given that this situation might be something that you're being forcefully pushed into, you should have discussed it with your family before getting my family and myself invovled.

i don't even know you and i already spite you. when you first meet someone for the first time or have that initial conversation, you should feel a sense of anticipation and excitement. but with you, i feel nothing. i don't want to speak to you.

how do i explain that to my parents. that i, a single 25 year old indian girl doesn't want to marry a single 27 year old rich doctor. they will not let me not have that initial conversation. it will have to happen.

but what to say. who knows what i'll be feeling when and if this happens....but if and when it does happen i'd like to cover the following:

1. i want to be honest
2. i didn't sign up for this
3. i didn't sign up for meeting your family before meeting you
4. i didn't sign up for meeting your family and then having to wait 2 months to have a 10min conversation with you
5. i didn't sign up for meeting guys through my parents, i've always wanted to meet someone on my own time and have the relationship progress normally
6. i don't appreciate having to meet your family and then being told that i'm not able to have any communciation with you until you're ready. i was not ready to meet your parents, i was not ready to wait.
7. i don't know if i even want to talk to you
8. the only reason i called you back was out of loyalty to my parents, and so i could answer to their questions
9. who do you think you are, stringing girls and their families along the way you did
10. i don't know if you were aware of what your family was doing or not, but even though it was your family...it still implies you

you suck.

Water

i just watched deepa mehta's movie and absolutely loved it. i've watched bollywood movies all my life and they tend to be so far fetched...they glamorize everything. even if a character in the movie is depicted as being poor, a widow or a prostitute it is nowhere near the reality. this movie was so real and moving. the inequalities that women faced and still face is an issue that is so personal to me.

The thing that irks me the most about the way people expect women to behave is the submisiveness of it all. They are expected to put up with whatever is thrown at them. They are expected to keep calm, never raise their voice and never question anyone even if they are being wronged. They have no opinions, and this exists everywhere.

You would think that a movie like this which has garnered so much international attention would open people’s eyes and expose the injustice women face on a daily basis, but instead they rebel and accuse movies such as this one to be defacing religion. But it’s not about religion, it’s not about what’s written in sacred scripts, it is about money. Why else would women not be allowed to remarry? I have one word, dowry. It exists to this day. Even though India has passed a law that makes dowries illegal, they are still assumed to be mandatory by so many families. If a widow was to be remarried that means her family would have to put out another dowry, probably a greater dowry then the first time to get her remarried. Most families won't deal with this type of financial burden and in India, they will send the girls away. If a married woman is widowed or divorced, it is always her fault. It is assumed that she had to of done something for this to happen and she deserves this. Why? Why why why? Because she is a woman. You are born into this world as a woman because you have bad karma from a previous life. You give birth to daughters because you have bad karma.

This type of thinking, that woman aren’t capable or as deserving as men are still exists to this day. I hear and see it all the time. Women compromise their lives and their characters to accommodate the men in their lives. When women get married, they are told that their in-law’s home is their new home. They are to live and abide by their rules no matter what they are. We become ‘paraees’ (strangers) to our parents and our families. We are no longer their burden, but the burden of our husbands, and we should be thankful that we have men to look after us because we are incapable otherwise. We are expected to give up everything we know (even ourselves) for men. And if something happens to our "caretakers" we are to blame, we are at fault and inevitably we are to be punished.

I highly recommend watching this movie. And for a good read, i recommend reading The Bandit Queen of India (Phoolan Devi), In My Own Name (Sharan-jeet Shan) & What the Body Remembers (Shauna Singh Baldwin)

stay young

i feel old. i've been noticing small things recently that remind me that i'm not 21 anymore. for example, usually when i don't have enough sleep and i'm tired, you can't really tell at least that was the case when i was younger (i feel like such an old hag when i say that). but now, if i don't get at least 7hours of sleep i have people telling me the next day 'you look tired!'. that makes me feel old.

the other thing is when someone tells you that you act mature, thats one thing. but recently a friend of my sisters saw my picture and said i LOOK mature. that's basically another way of saying i look old. it's funny when i was underage i would use my older sisters id to get into clubs and be able to drink...i always wanted to look older. and now i feel like i look older then then i actually am and i'm not liking it at all :\

lastly, is my body. i went boarding last weekend and i did pretty well. i was a bit sore the next day but it wasn't anything too bad. then last night i played volleyball for the first time in 2 weeks and i was pretty sore afterwards. and i'm never sore after playing volleyball! its not a very active sport. to make things worse, whenever i get into bed to sleep...i jump into bed. i don't know why but i do. so last night i jumped into bed, and i landed akwardly on my arm. and ever since last night my shoulder has been sore.

i think the fact that all these things happened to me in the last week is the reason i feel this way. i've always been relatively carefree and i can be immature at times...but things like this remind me that i'm not as young as i think i am.

blah.

you have...

2 days dipshit. if nothing unfolds in the next 2 days, i'm throwing in my towel.

white washed

when i was in high school and most of university i was classified as being 'white washed' ie-being a coconut. why? it took me forever to figure that out. to this day i can only pick out 2 things that i did in high school that would make people think that of me. one being that i had non-indian friends, and the other being that i listened to alternative/rock/britpop music. not to say i didn't listen to rnb/hiphop/reggae/bhangra music, i've always been a huge music buff and i listened to and still listen to anything that sounds good to me.

in 2nd year university i ended up living with 2 girls who i've known since junior high, but they were "typical" indian girls. my definition of typical indian girls consists of girls who:

• co-ordinated their outfits
• listened to only bhangra/hindi/hiphop/rap/rnb
• only had indian friends
• had lots of "friends"
• from the outside would look like a picture perfect huge group of friends, but from the inside they were all very vindictive and gossiped about everyone else in the crew
• couldn't go out in small groups, everything was done in huge groups
• had boyfriends who controlled their lives (ie-what they wore, whether or not they were allowed to drink, who they hung out with etc..)

one of my friends summed them up in one word, zombies. so 2nd year was the worst year of my life in university. i was going out a lot and meeting a lot of new people, but they weren't my type of people. on top of that i was labelled white washed from the get go. the 2 girls who i lived with would introduce me like to their friends as their friend who listened to rock music :\

it was such a frustrating year, i couldn't figure out why they kept thinking i was white washed. i had this long conversation with one of my best friends who went through something similar in high school, and we came to the conclusion that the difference between us and the zombies is that we're open minded and they're not. we're still pretty indian, but we're up for trying new things and we don't discriminate...whether it be with people, music or activities. i once told my ex-roomate that i was going snowboarding...and her response was "are you turning into a gori?". yes...yes i enjoy snowboarding and that does therefore imply that i'm turning into a white person :S

i'm glad i was able to figure out what the difference was and that helped me accept who i was and why i am the way i am. i don't have any beef with those girls, they never wronged me in any way. they were all actually very nice and helpful, but i realized they're not people who i would keep too close in my life. they're good acquaintances and thats OK.

my motivation for writing this post is that i'm addicted to the soundtrack for Salaam-E-Ishq. now if that doesn't scream fob i have no idea what does!

a good drink goes a long way

earlier today i was thinking that i need to go on a vacation. i felt the need to go somewhere zen to collect all my thoughts, because they just seem to be all over the place these days.

but you know what...i just got back in from a night out with some of my friends. and i let it all out. i let out my frustrations about the doctor, about my mom, about my career (or lack there of)...everything. and i feel sooooooooooooooo good! :)

forget a zen vacation, just give me a few glasses of white wine and it pretty much has the same effect. it felt great to release my thoughts and to have honest feedback, and a lot of laughs along the way.

yaye for friends :)

i don't want to admit it

but this whole not calling thing is really getting to me. and here's why. firstly i was made to meet his mom over a month ago and did not meet him there. then i was told that i was to have no communication with him until after his residency interviews were done. because he was just that busy prior to and during that process that he couldn't pick up the phone and have a 10 minute conversation with anyone.

and i gave him the benefit of the doubt, because if i was in the middle of exams or preparing for exams - that's not exactly an ideal time to start talking to someone. so fine, up until now i've been pretty nonchalant about the whole thing.

but this is what's irking me more and more. i have a friend who is also doing med school at a university in ontario, and she told me that residency interviews for all CANADIAN universities were done on february 24th. and she was 100% sure of that. so i did a bit of investigation myself (ie-google) to find out if what she said was true...and sure enough it was.

so now i know that he was done his interviews 2 weeks ago, which was the reason for the hold up. and i've still heard nothing. and ontop of that his mom assured me that during the first week of march (which is this week), she would make sure that our lines of communication would open. have they? no.

i'm not getting mad and i'm not sad...i'm just getting annoyed. i feel like *if* he was to call, i would be aggitated with him right from the get go. i feel like i don't want to hear his excuses - that is if he offers any. this was such a dumb idea right from the very get go. and i'm sure he has absolutely no idea what it is that he's making me feel :\