birthdays

For some reason I have a tendancy to be really sad on my birthday. I have no idea why, but I'm always in a very anti-social, depressed, leave-me-alone type of mood when everyone expects the exact opposite of me. And this year was no different. I was sad all day. I didn't dress up at all, it was raining and grey, I didn't tell anyone at work it was my birthday and I actually cried when cutting the cake my sister had made. I think a huge part of it has to do with my uncle passing away - but on the other hand I think I'm always like this and my uncle passing just added to it. I have no idea whats wrong with me - somtimes I think I secretly do have expectations from people on my birthday to go out of their way to make my day, and it never happens so I'm dissapointed? I don't know...I'm just really messed up on this day...case in point:

2004

2005 one & two

2006

Sometimes I get tired of smiling.

(November 13)

I am me.

I find that I'm always trying to define myself. Who am I? What makes me me? And to be quite honest, I find it very difficult to do that! It's hard to figure out who I am because I'm so different depending on my mood and my surroundings. And I tend to define what I want out of man based on who I think I am. And I realized today that at surface level I can be many different things. I can be funny, outgoing, shy, friendly, bitchy, a party girl, a homebody, white washed, a fob...the list goes on and on.

But who I am at my core is what defines me. Who I am at my core.

I'm simple.

End of story. I might want to party or stay home, I may be shy or not - but no matter what I am simple. That is me. And that's what I want out of a man.

(November 12)

I sure know how to pick 'em!

While at my new job I obviously checked to see if there was any "potential". And I did see some! There was this one guy who I kept bumping into and I thought he was really cute! And its fun to have a cute guy at work to bump into :) So I was quite pleased with the situation.

Anyways, the bummy part is that after all our cutesy encounters I find out that he's binga! (ie-not sida ie-gay...not that there's anything wrong with that!) I still think he's cute, but the search continues!

Oh, and in additional to me crushing on a gay dude - I have a minbo after me. He's this brown guy who I knew in high school but we lost touch and of course through facebook we got back in touch. And he's hot! Really really really cute...but...he's an idiot. He has little or no common sense when it comes to conversing with people and any conversations I have with him are about absolutely nothing - which is fine sometimes but not when every single conversation is like that. He's constantly asking me out for dinner (we work 2 blocks from one another)and I keep telling him I'm busy hoping he would get the point. But obviously not! I think I'm going to have to spell it out to him *rolls eyes*

*sighs* the search continues...

(November 7)

delayed reaction

After the hype has died down does this song actually mean something to me. After the radio killed it, the music people insuluted it and the industry rewarded it - I finally get it.

I hated this osng when it first came out and when I listened to his record I would always skip this song. I absolutely love John Mayer, but I absoluted hated this song.

But after the hype, I finally get it...

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

(October 31, 2007)

"us" and "them"

for the first time ever i see us drifting apart. i see that we're different. she's the same. the same person that she was in high school - and i think that's the root of the problem.

the difference was so clear to me on friday night. i attempted to get my different crews (university and high school) to hang out on friday night and what disturbed me the most was that i see my university crew making the effort to talk to my high school friends. offers to buy them drinks, trying to get them up and dance...and in return they get nothing. they get hessitation and reluctance. the effort is completely one sided and i don't like that. i don't like having friends who can't socialize with my other friends, or socialize in general when we're out. now more then ever, thats become a huge part of me. i've become social and i enjoy meeting new people and making the effort to get to know people...but they don't. at all. and the fact that they did that with my friends just makes that difference so much more prominent. then, just to drive the point home about lack of effort from their end, i had a house "gathering" on saturday and my high school friends don't even show up.

however the expectations for me are high. i've sent cards, made muffins and been there for her when she's sad or depressed - but i can't say the same for her being there for me.

has our 10 year relationship been completely one-sided?

i think she's an amazing person and i trust her, but i can clearly see that our expectations are different. there was her paat where she made me stay until the very end to help out with her family because she wanted me to be there for her, but at my sisters wedding events she was always one of the first people to leave. there was chicago, where i dragged my friends around the entire city so we could meet up with them, but they couldn't even stay in the same spot and wait for us. and then there's this weekend.

i don't want to cut her out and make a big deal out of this - but for the first time in 10 years i can see that we're different. and not in a good way.