In the past I’ve always made new years resolutions – to lose weight, to study more, to spend less…etc etc. Then for a few years I stopped making resolutions and my only resolution was to be a better person. Do more good in the world then bad, give back wherever I can etc etc.
But this year I think I’m going to make an actual resolution. In 2008 I’m going to try to check out more galleries & exhibitions and go to more live concerts and shows. I’ve always loved art and music and those are definitely 2 hobbies which I haven’t really indulged myself in – primarily because of cost, but now that I’m good with my finances I think I will indulge myself.
Oh and I think I want to do a bit of travelling this year too – which I always want to do but can never afford it. I want to do a few European countries for sure, maybe France, Italy and Scotland. These are musts that I must accomplish in 2008.
:)
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
the first time
I know I have a side to me that is really bitchy, smart ass and even mean. Shades of that come out on a regular basis – probably most noticeably through my sarcastic sense of humor. But I knew that if someone got me riled up enough, the humor would fade and you’d be left with someone who you might describe as being a bitch.
I’ve gotten into arguments before – but not to the extent of what happened last night. I was mean – like really really mean to someone who I’ve known my whole entire life. A friend of mine, almost like another family member, went through a really bad breakup with her ex boyfriend. To the point where the authorities were involved and restraining orders have been placed. I’ve seen the damage this guy has done to my friend, her parents and her family. Its not something that was left between her and her ex, everyone was involved and inevitably everyone got burned.
Went out last night and after almost a year of biting my tongue and not saying anything to him about what happened – which is difficult for me since I’m a pretty vocal person especially when I’m mad – I see him. And my friend was there with me, and I told her right away if she wants to leave because she feels uncomfortable we can go. But she insisted on staying but after about 15 minutes she decided to leave.
I’m a pretty ballsy person, and sometimes I think I’m invincible – I think that nothing bad can happen to me, and because of that trait I was tempted to just walk by him and make eye contact. So he would see me, and I would know that he saw me. I wouldn’t intend on saying anything, but I just wanted to look him straight in the face and give him a look that screamed fuck you. And that wouldn’t of been enough for me. After everything I had seen, heard and felt that’s all I wanted. And after years of coming to me for advice, and looking to me to give her direction – this one time she thinks she knows better then me and refused to let me walk by him. Walking by him and making eye contact does not cause drama unless he chooses to create it. I’m not creating it.
She forced me out of the club and we spend about ½ hour in the car arguing. She kept telling me I was drunk when I knew I wasn’t – and that fueled me even more. I have never ever been as rude and mean as I was last night. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t see her logic in not letting me do what I needed to get some satisfaction. And it might sound dumb, but that’s what I needed. Its been almost a year of seeing her family go through hell and I just wanted to look at him straight in the eye and not look away. Yes, I admit its completely selfish of me to want to do that, but I can’t help it. I feel like I have a right to be mad and a right to do what it takes to make me feel better about the whole situation.
And then that got me thinking about karma. Like I’ve said before, I’m not a religious person per say, but I do have faith. And I’ve personally been through a lot of shit in my life but I have faith that it all happens for a reason and I try to become a stronger person from it. So should I just leave everything up to faith? Knowing that what goes around comes around and he’ll get his just dessert? I can’t.
I can’t do it. I am a revengeful person to some degree – and although I didn’t exactly want to get “revenge” on this guy, but I wanted to do something that would make him feel like shit, and make me feel better. Is that wrong? I’ve just been toying with the whole idea all night. Because I bitched my friend out pretty bad because she didn’t let me go back into the club but was that really justified? I’m mad at her for not letting me do what I wanted to do – and I’m mad at her for coming to me for advice and support for years, and the one time I want to do something for my own sake, she thinks she knows better.
Last night was the first time I was out right mean – and I’m wondering why I reacted the way I did. And if I was wrong...
I’ve gotten into arguments before – but not to the extent of what happened last night. I was mean – like really really mean to someone who I’ve known my whole entire life. A friend of mine, almost like another family member, went through a really bad breakup with her ex boyfriend. To the point where the authorities were involved and restraining orders have been placed. I’ve seen the damage this guy has done to my friend, her parents and her family. Its not something that was left between her and her ex, everyone was involved and inevitably everyone got burned.
Went out last night and after almost a year of biting my tongue and not saying anything to him about what happened – which is difficult for me since I’m a pretty vocal person especially when I’m mad – I see him. And my friend was there with me, and I told her right away if she wants to leave because she feels uncomfortable we can go. But she insisted on staying but after about 15 minutes she decided to leave.
I’m a pretty ballsy person, and sometimes I think I’m invincible – I think that nothing bad can happen to me, and because of that trait I was tempted to just walk by him and make eye contact. So he would see me, and I would know that he saw me. I wouldn’t intend on saying anything, but I just wanted to look him straight in the face and give him a look that screamed fuck you. And that wouldn’t of been enough for me. After everything I had seen, heard and felt that’s all I wanted. And after years of coming to me for advice, and looking to me to give her direction – this one time she thinks she knows better then me and refused to let me walk by him. Walking by him and making eye contact does not cause drama unless he chooses to create it. I’m not creating it.
She forced me out of the club and we spend about ½ hour in the car arguing. She kept telling me I was drunk when I knew I wasn’t – and that fueled me even more. I have never ever been as rude and mean as I was last night. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t see her logic in not letting me do what I needed to get some satisfaction. And it might sound dumb, but that’s what I needed. Its been almost a year of seeing her family go through hell and I just wanted to look at him straight in the eye and not look away. Yes, I admit its completely selfish of me to want to do that, but I can’t help it. I feel like I have a right to be mad and a right to do what it takes to make me feel better about the whole situation.
And then that got me thinking about karma. Like I’ve said before, I’m not a religious person per say, but I do have faith. And I’ve personally been through a lot of shit in my life but I have faith that it all happens for a reason and I try to become a stronger person from it. So should I just leave everything up to faith? Knowing that what goes around comes around and he’ll get his just dessert? I can’t.
I can’t do it. I am a revengeful person to some degree – and although I didn’t exactly want to get “revenge” on this guy, but I wanted to do something that would make him feel like shit, and make me feel better. Is that wrong? I’ve just been toying with the whole idea all night. Because I bitched my friend out pretty bad because she didn’t let me go back into the club but was that really justified? I’m mad at her for not letting me do what I wanted to do – and I’m mad at her for coming to me for advice and support for years, and the one time I want to do something for my own sake, she thinks she knows better.
Last night was the first time I was out right mean – and I’m wondering why I reacted the way I did. And if I was wrong...
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Lost Cause
Is this normal? I like it when a guy that I’m interested in…teases me.
:|
Wtf?
For some reason that’s a turn on for me. But…is that completely insane of me? I like it when a guy teases me, that gets me going! I don’t know why but I think when its done right (right time and place) it’s a bit romantic and cute.
Soooooooooooo, lets add that to my list of what I want in a guy:
Cute
Ambitious
Simple
Out going
Fun
LIKES TO TEASE
If you know anyone who fits the above criteria please let me know!
On another note, I met this guy at work about 6 weeks ago - he actually introduced himself to me on his first day. And since then when I do go into our other branch we do talk but nothing substantial. But then today we had lunch together and throughout the afternoon he kept popping by my desk to do some small talk. And we seem to get along really good! He’s the first person at work who I actually enjoy talking to…however….the thing is…I don’t know his name! And after he left work, I tried to snoop around his desk to see if I could get a business card or something, but there was nothing there! So I guess I just continue with the “Heyyyyy, how’s it going” type of opening line instead of addressing him personally?
Lets see how long this lasts.
Random random random! I know :)
:|
Wtf?
For some reason that’s a turn on for me. But…is that completely insane of me? I like it when a guy teases me, that gets me going! I don’t know why but I think when its done right (right time and place) it’s a bit romantic and cute.
Soooooooooooo, lets add that to my list of what I want in a guy:
Cute
Ambitious
Simple
Out going
Fun
LIKES TO TEASE
If you know anyone who fits the above criteria please let me know!
On another note, I met this guy at work about 6 weeks ago - he actually introduced himself to me on his first day. And since then when I do go into our other branch we do talk but nothing substantial. But then today we had lunch together and throughout the afternoon he kept popping by my desk to do some small talk. And we seem to get along really good! He’s the first person at work who I actually enjoy talking to…however….the thing is…I don’t know his name! And after he left work, I tried to snoop around his desk to see if I could get a business card or something, but there was nothing there! So I guess I just continue with the “Heyyyyy, how’s it going” type of opening line instead of addressing him personally?
Lets see how long this lasts.
Random random random! I know :)
Monday, December 17, 2007
Expectations
I think I’ve blogged about this before – when you’re in a relationship and when the expectation levels are different, that usually spells trouble. Sometimes your expectations might be higher then your counterpart and sometimes it’s the other way around. But either way one person is always left feeling disappointed and the other is perhaps feeling guilty or not feeling anything because they don’t know or realize that they’ve done anything wrong.
So that’s all makes some sense if you’re talking about a significant other or even a friend. But what if you feel like one of your good friends expects things out of you that you would typically expect out of a girlfriend. And I don’t mean in the physical sense, more so just being there for him emotionally. I have this friend who I’ve known for about 5 years and recently the last year or so I would say we’ve gotten pretty close to the point where I consider him to be one of my closest friends. So he’s fallen a bit ill and I went to visit him last week along with a few friends. I had to leave early and he was obviously disappointed in that I didn’t stay any longer – to the point where he didn’t even appreciate the fact that I came over. If I don’t show up for gatherings, nobody is really affected but him. There was a period where for maybe a week or two we hadn’t seen each other – and this for me is fine, but he got really frustrated about it and was pretty vocal about the whole thing too. He thought that I was avoiding him and didn’t want to meet up with him for a reason, when the real reason was I was just busy. And I keep hearing small things here and there, like how he wasn’t responding to anyones emails or returning phone calls, but he was to mine.
I don’t think he likes me in that way – we’ve kinda been down that path and we figured we were better off as friends…but I just get the feeling that his expectations from me are that of a girlfriend. Because if I was his girlfriend, I would make more of an effort – but the reality is that I’m not and so I will treat him like any other of my friends. Or maybe he thinks of me as his best friend? But I’m not even sure about that, because I know who his best friends are…and they’ve been best friends for over 10 years now. It’s just weird because I’ve been picking up on these vibes more and more – maybe he’s like this with all his friends but we just don’t talk to each other about it. Or maybe he’s just a needy person?? I don’t know – its not a huge deal or anything like that. Just odd. But boys are just that. So I really shouldn’t be surprised should I?
So that’s all makes some sense if you’re talking about a significant other or even a friend. But what if you feel like one of your good friends expects things out of you that you would typically expect out of a girlfriend. And I don’t mean in the physical sense, more so just being there for him emotionally. I have this friend who I’ve known for about 5 years and recently the last year or so I would say we’ve gotten pretty close to the point where I consider him to be one of my closest friends. So he’s fallen a bit ill and I went to visit him last week along with a few friends. I had to leave early and he was obviously disappointed in that I didn’t stay any longer – to the point where he didn’t even appreciate the fact that I came over. If I don’t show up for gatherings, nobody is really affected but him. There was a period where for maybe a week or two we hadn’t seen each other – and this for me is fine, but he got really frustrated about it and was pretty vocal about the whole thing too. He thought that I was avoiding him and didn’t want to meet up with him for a reason, when the real reason was I was just busy. And I keep hearing small things here and there, like how he wasn’t responding to anyones emails or returning phone calls, but he was to mine.
I don’t think he likes me in that way – we’ve kinda been down that path and we figured we were better off as friends…but I just get the feeling that his expectations from me are that of a girlfriend. Because if I was his girlfriend, I would make more of an effort – but the reality is that I’m not and so I will treat him like any other of my friends. Or maybe he thinks of me as his best friend? But I’m not even sure about that, because I know who his best friends are…and they’ve been best friends for over 10 years now. It’s just weird because I’ve been picking up on these vibes more and more – maybe he’s like this with all his friends but we just don’t talk to each other about it. Or maybe he’s just a needy person?? I don’t know – its not a huge deal or anything like that. Just odd. But boys are just that. So I really shouldn’t be surprised should I?
Sunday, December 09, 2007
pms? perhaps...
is it ever OK to continue to crush on a guy when you know he's with someone, even though she's annoying and fug?
maybe i'm just jealous :\
maybe i'm just jealous :\
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
gotta love FOB!
I heard this song in a store over the weekend, couldn't help but laugh - and turns out its by one of my favorite bands! It's just fun to have a christmas song that isn't perky and cheery even though the melody is upbeat
"Yule Shoot Your Eye Out"
These are your good years
Don't take my advice
You never wanted the nice boys anyway
And I'm of good cheer
'Cause I've been checking my list
The gifts you're receiving from me
Will be
One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive
Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less
Happy New Years, baby
You owe me
The best gift I will ever ask for
Don't call me up, when the snow comes down
Its the only thing I want this year
One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive
Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less
Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree (Don't come home for Christmas)
Merry Christmas, I could care less
Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree (Don't come home for Christmas)
Merry Christmas, I could care less
[Patrick, in a lisp:]
Sweet! They've recorded a Christmas song!
They must've spent a lot of money on this...
But this one time, this one Christmas I got this-
[beeps Deck the Halls]
"Yule Shoot Your Eye Out"
These are your good years
Don't take my advice
You never wanted the nice boys anyway
And I'm of good cheer
'Cause I've been checking my list
The gifts you're receiving from me
Will be
One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive
Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less
Happy New Years, baby
You owe me
The best gift I will ever ask for
Don't call me up, when the snow comes down
Its the only thing I want this year
One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive
Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less
Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree (Don't come home for Christmas)
Merry Christmas, I could care less
Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree (Don't come home for Christmas)
Merry Christmas, I could care less
[Patrick, in a lisp:]
Sweet! They've recorded a Christmas song!
They must've spent a lot of money on this...
But this one time, this one Christmas I got this-
[beeps Deck the Halls]
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