i'm kinda pissed right now. i have this friend who i've had since high school, and to be blunt here, she doesn't have a lot of friends. and the friends that she does have, she keeps them in silos (and this is something i've blogged about before).
i on the other hand introduce her to my friends and now she's having a celebration and knows i won't be able to attend, but invites all my friends.
i don't know why but that irritates me. i think it largely has to do with the fact that she's never made an effort to socialize me with her friends and i do that with her once or twice and all of a sudden my friends are her friends.
and i know she had a conversation with one of her other friends about inviting my crew, i know that for a fact - and i'm sure they both saw nothing wrong with it.
as easily as i brought her in, i can take her out.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
hummm
well i did it.
and i'm pretty sure he's just not that into me!!! dammit - the book was right! anyways, i have no regrets...i need to know for my own sake.
secondly i hate working out. i absolutely hate it. since september of last year i've gained about 5lbs, which isn't that bad. but i mean i do need to lose those added pounds and i wouldn't mind losing 10 more. so i'm hitting the gym more regularily and i hatttte it! i hate having to lose weight, its the biggest pain in the butt EVER. i hate going on the treadmill, i hate weight training, i hate stupid squats and i hate crunches!
yet i still go because in the back of my head i'm thinking doing this now will somehow help me feel better about myself...but so far NO LUCK!
and i'm pretty sure he's just not that into me!!! dammit - the book was right! anyways, i have no regrets...i need to know for my own sake.
secondly i hate working out. i absolutely hate it. since september of last year i've gained about 5lbs, which isn't that bad. but i mean i do need to lose those added pounds and i wouldn't mind losing 10 more. so i'm hitting the gym more regularily and i hatttte it! i hate having to lose weight, its the biggest pain in the butt EVER. i hate going on the treadmill, i hate weight training, i hate stupid squats and i hate crunches!
yet i still go because in the back of my head i'm thinking doing this now will somehow help me feel better about myself...but so far NO LUCK!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
revelation
if i found out i only had 2 weeks to live, i would do it. i would contact him to just see if there was any potential.
what would i have to lose?
but what do i have to lose now? we don't have any mutual good friends, i've bumped into him once or twice my whole life. if he's really not into me, at least i'll know for sure instead of looking for or making excuses.
doing this is selfish. i need to know because that's my personality. i hate not knowing things for sure, i tend to be very black and white...and this whole setup and scenerio has been very grey. and i'm not comfortable with grey, so i will do what i need to make it black or white.
what would i have to lose?
but what do i have to lose now? we don't have any mutual good friends, i've bumped into him once or twice my whole life. if he's really not into me, at least i'll know for sure instead of looking for or making excuses.
doing this is selfish. i need to know because that's my personality. i hate not knowing things for sure, i tend to be very black and white...and this whole setup and scenerio has been very grey. and i'm not comfortable with grey, so i will do what i need to make it black or white.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
gotta think this one through
ok - i need to think this one through logically before i can make any sort of decision.
there was this guy who i thought was cute, and through facebook i could see who our mutual friends were. the one mutual friend we had isn't a really good friend of mine. we've known eachother since junior high school, but i never really considered her to be my friend...but we've always been cool with one another.
so i asked her to find out if he's single or not etc and also find out if he's willing to talk. she did and he came back and said he thought i was cute, but he wanted to know more about me. so i took the initiative and messaged him on facebook, to which he responded (very generic conversation). i responded back and i got absolutely no response back from my last message to him.
about 2 weeks later, i run into him at a club. i was there with one of my girlfriends and 2 other guys. so it could very easily look like me and my friend were there with our S/O's - when really, we're all just friends. i was very tipsy that night, and i tend to be very affectionate when i am. so i was definitely holding my friends hand throughout the night and recall giving him a peck on the cheek...which obviously gives the wrong idea to those who don't know that he's one of my best friends.
me and the fb dude totally saw eachother, but i felt shafted and didn't want to talk to him. but the entire night he was hovering around...i would be dancing and i knew he was right behind me. there were other friends who i bumped into but i wouldn't see them for the rest of the night because the club was that big...but i constantly saw him around. but he didn't say anything to me and i didn't say anything to him.
now, i'm on an online dating site and i see his profile (he has pictures up)! he's online often and as cheesey as it sounds...i like what i've read on his profile.
so now, i'm not really sure what i should do. should i message him and be like what happened before?
or should i just assume that he wasn't really into me?
i don't know yet. one side of me wants to be "agressive" and message him just so i can see where this could potentially go - but i don't want to come off as a stalker. he didn't message me back before and then he saw me at a club with someone who could look like my boyfriend. do i give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn't have time to respond and he now thinks i have a boyfriend? or should i assume he's not into me.
AND if i was to message him via the online site - what would i say to him?
help.
there was this guy who i thought was cute, and through facebook i could see who our mutual friends were. the one mutual friend we had isn't a really good friend of mine. we've known eachother since junior high school, but i never really considered her to be my friend...but we've always been cool with one another.
so i asked her to find out if he's single or not etc and also find out if he's willing to talk. she did and he came back and said he thought i was cute, but he wanted to know more about me. so i took the initiative and messaged him on facebook, to which he responded (very generic conversation). i responded back and i got absolutely no response back from my last message to him.
about 2 weeks later, i run into him at a club. i was there with one of my girlfriends and 2 other guys. so it could very easily look like me and my friend were there with our S/O's - when really, we're all just friends. i was very tipsy that night, and i tend to be very affectionate when i am. so i was definitely holding my friends hand throughout the night and recall giving him a peck on the cheek...which obviously gives the wrong idea to those who don't know that he's one of my best friends.
me and the fb dude totally saw eachother, but i felt shafted and didn't want to talk to him. but the entire night he was hovering around...i would be dancing and i knew he was right behind me. there were other friends who i bumped into but i wouldn't see them for the rest of the night because the club was that big...but i constantly saw him around. but he didn't say anything to me and i didn't say anything to him.
now, i'm on an online dating site and i see his profile (he has pictures up)! he's online often and as cheesey as it sounds...i like what i've read on his profile.
so now, i'm not really sure what i should do. should i message him and be like what happened before?
or should i just assume that he wasn't really into me?
i don't know yet. one side of me wants to be "agressive" and message him just so i can see where this could potentially go - but i don't want to come off as a stalker. he didn't message me back before and then he saw me at a club with someone who could look like my boyfriend. do i give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn't have time to respond and he now thinks i have a boyfriend? or should i assume he's not into me.
AND if i was to message him via the online site - what would i say to him?
help.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
biggest turn off EVER
i just realized what it is for me. and not only in men, but in general.
i hate it when people think that they're know it alls. people who don't listen to others or even consider changing their opinions, thoughts, methods etc because they think their way is the best way.
i hate it when people think that they're know it alls. people who don't listen to others or even consider changing their opinions, thoughts, methods etc because they think their way is the best way.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
work games
i've realized that i've become really good at playing "the game" at work. no - i'm not referring to twister or any other board game. but the game to get people on your side and to get people to like you - even though you don't like them. its so manipulative and out of character for me. but i do it - constantly. if i had to deal with my work colleagues outside of work...i wouldn't. but because i'm forced to, i have to find ways to deal with them and make them think i care and that i like them when i don't.
2 recent examples really made me think about this. one example happened about a week ago. we have this manager who works in our department and she's off on a short term leave. we find out sometime this month if she comes back. now i've made it clear to all my friends and family that i really hope she doesn't come back. because if she doesn't, i get her job title & salary. so for selfish reasons i hope she decided to either quit or take additional time off. that's the truth. but when i speak to anyone at work i say the exact opposite. i wish that she's doing well and it would be so great to have her back blah blah blah. evil eh?
second example, i received some "constructive criticism" from a colleague who i was doing some work for. her criticism was totally unwarranted and unnecessary. she was making a big deal out of a small item - and when she brought this up with me i wanted to tell her that she was an idiot for making such a big deal out of a minor issue and that she needs to get a live so she can have other things to worry about. but what did i actually say? something along the lines of i appreciate her constructive criticism and i'm always looking for ways to improve the efficiency of my work and i don't take any of this personally and i'm glad we talked about.
all bullshit! pure complete bullshit! but it makes me look professional and i feel like i gained some respect in how i handled the situation.
i don't know, it still seems a bit to conniving for me though. i want to get ahead in my career and i don't want to rub people the wrong way - but in order for me to do that, i have to fake it.
2 recent examples really made me think about this. one example happened about a week ago. we have this manager who works in our department and she's off on a short term leave. we find out sometime this month if she comes back. now i've made it clear to all my friends and family that i really hope she doesn't come back. because if she doesn't, i get her job title & salary. so for selfish reasons i hope she decided to either quit or take additional time off. that's the truth. but when i speak to anyone at work i say the exact opposite. i wish that she's doing well and it would be so great to have her back blah blah blah. evil eh?
second example, i received some "constructive criticism" from a colleague who i was doing some work for. her criticism was totally unwarranted and unnecessary. she was making a big deal out of a small item - and when she brought this up with me i wanted to tell her that she was an idiot for making such a big deal out of a minor issue and that she needs to get a live so she can have other things to worry about. but what did i actually say? something along the lines of i appreciate her constructive criticism and i'm always looking for ways to improve the efficiency of my work and i don't take any of this personally and i'm glad we talked about.
all bullshit! pure complete bullshit! but it makes me look professional and i feel like i gained some respect in how i handled the situation.
i don't know, it still seems a bit to conniving for me though. i want to get ahead in my career and i don't want to rub people the wrong way - but in order for me to do that, i have to fake it.
Monday, February 02, 2009
ugh.
why am i thinking about him again?? he was totally out of my system, then i see him...and now my thoughts are flooded with him.
i wish i never saw him.
i wish i never saw him.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
the worst
my past experiences have made me who i am today. i know that, but i think that i've taken my negative experiences and have allowed them to over-influence my current way of thinking.
i was very naive in high school and thought the best of everyone. which in high school was fine because i grew up in a very small part of town, and i basically went to high school with friends who i had known since elementary school. but when i got into university i was a bit shocked at the number of people in one of my classes (it was the same amount of people in my entire high school) but i stayed the same. i was friendly with everyone and thought the best of them until i was proven wrong.
the thing is, i was proven wrong time and time again. i went through a phase were i was talking to and socializing with people who i didn't even like. i felt like i had opened my personal gates and the crazies were just flooding in. and since then i've become somewhat jaded. my mentality has completely flipped, where i almost always think the worst of people until i'm proven otherwise.
i have no major complaints about my friends or social life - i absolutely love everyone who is in my life right now. but i find i'm just too skeptical of people. i'm skeptical of people who are nice and overly nice. i can't just believe that they are genuinely nice people without thinking they're doing it for a reason that lays beneath the surface.
i'm too precautious. i don't want to revert back to the high school version of me, but i need to be less cynical. its hard to change the way you think. hard, but hopefully not impossible.
i was very naive in high school and thought the best of everyone. which in high school was fine because i grew up in a very small part of town, and i basically went to high school with friends who i had known since elementary school. but when i got into university i was a bit shocked at the number of people in one of my classes (it was the same amount of people in my entire high school) but i stayed the same. i was friendly with everyone and thought the best of them until i was proven wrong.
the thing is, i was proven wrong time and time again. i went through a phase were i was talking to and socializing with people who i didn't even like. i felt like i had opened my personal gates and the crazies were just flooding in. and since then i've become somewhat jaded. my mentality has completely flipped, where i almost always think the worst of people until i'm proven otherwise.
i have no major complaints about my friends or social life - i absolutely love everyone who is in my life right now. but i find i'm just too skeptical of people. i'm skeptical of people who are nice and overly nice. i can't just believe that they are genuinely nice people without thinking they're doing it for a reason that lays beneath the surface.
i'm too precautious. i don't want to revert back to the high school version of me, but i need to be less cynical. its hard to change the way you think. hard, but hopefully not impossible.
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