i don't know what i want. i feel like i should know.

this isn't as fun or as easy as i thought.

i don't know what to do.

(written 2 minutes after my last post...confused? a little.)

lying to myself

i told you i'm typically very guarded. in my past relationships i always feel i have to put up walls to protect myself. protect myself from being hurt.

i told you i've changed.

but the truth is that i haven't.

i'm keeping both guys in the picture to protect myself. so if one hurts me, i'll have the other one. when really. i know who i want.

all i know for sure...is that i'm not quite sure

this 2 boy situation is getting me confused. i like both...but for different reasons. so will there be a point where the reasons for one will outweigh the reasons for the other?

i hope so.

slacking

i feel so shitty about work right now. for the past 2 years i've wanted a higher position within my company. recently my own manager opened up a postion and asked me to apply for it.

great right? everything i've wanted for the past 2 years and it finally seems like its falling into place.

wrong.

i feel like i'm dropping balls at work left right and center. i'm disproving why i deserve that promotion because i'm doing a pretty crappy job right now. i know i'm just going through a funk and i'll get over it, but right now i feel like i'm doing a terrible job and have little motivation to change. i need a postitive kick in the butt.

still miss you

for the first time i had a dream about my grandfather last night. i have been missing him lately, but i've never dreamt about him.

so in my dream i was walking down the street and i saw him...and it totally looked like him! but when i spoke to him, he didn't know who he was. he himself was lost and didn't know what he was doing or where he was going. he didn't recognize me either. then i realized (in my dream) that it probably wasn't my grandfather - but the idea of him still being around and seeing him got me so excited, until the reality of the situation hit me.

:(

Influence part 2

You allow people to have an influence on you. Its a decision, conscious or not, made by you when you hear an opinion or even a statement.

There are always going to be haters in the world who say things to you to either intentionally put you down or are so full of negativity themselves that they spew it out with any opportunity they get.

Keep your haterade to yourself.

Dilemma

I’ve blogged about timing of meeting guys before – and how its never been right for me. Or I meet guys who seem so good for me, but the circumstances just won’t allow for us to be together.

Right now, I’m again having issues with timing. So why is it, that I’ve been single for a huge chunk of my life and now I’m meeting more then 1 guy who I’m genuinely interested in. I know by the sounds of my blog, it probably seems like I’m interested in guys all the time, but that’s usually not the case. I typically crush on guys, and its usually a very extreme rollercoaster of feelings which ends…always ends.

So I met this guy a few months ago and we didn’t really start seeing each other more regularly until about a month ago. But within the past month we see each other usually once or twice a week, communicate in one way or another every other day. He’s also mentioned a few events where he’s wanted me to come and meet his friends and I do see him getting along with my friends as well. Both of us are the type of people that don’t get into relationships often – so there’s genuinely something there for us to be sticking around. And I do like him. I don’t consider him to be my boyfriend yet, but I can definitely see us moving in that direction.

Now, here’s the timing issue. A few weeks ago I went out with some girlfriends, one of which brought one of her guy friends along – who I had never met before. We hit it off pretty well that night and I find out later that he had asked about me, to see if I was single or not etc etc. He got my number off our mutual friend and since then we’ve spoken on the phone twice – but whats retarded is that we get along really well! I think for me to get along with a guy, our sense of humor needs to click…and with this guy it does! Not to mention I do think he’s cute and find him to be attractive.

So now, I’m not really sure what to do. I know the 2nd guy is interested in meeting up and going out on a date, but then things are good with the first guy. And although the first guy and I haven’t had the conversation where we state that we’re exclusive – I’m pretty sure he assumes it.

I’m up for meeting up with the 2nd guy as well – but then that’s not fair to the first guy. But should I tell the first guy that I’m going on a date with someone else? I know that’s going to hurt his feelings and I don’t want to do that. Why am I meeting these guys now? I don’t know what to do. If 2nd guy calls again and asks me out on a date, I want to say yes. But I don’t want to deal with the repercussions that it may have with the first guy.